Office Memo

To: All Employees

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Personal Days:

Each employy will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Lunch Breaks:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time need to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you were able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Restroom Use:

Entirely too much time is being spend in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

Surgery:

As long as you are employeed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will consitute a breach of employement.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a prositive employement experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and imput should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.