What My Mother Taught Me

~ My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done ... "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

~ My mother taught me about time travel ... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

~ My mother taught me about religion ... "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

~ My mother taught me logic ... "Beacuse I said so, that's why."

~ My mother taught me more logic ... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me again."

~ My mother taught me foresight ... "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

~ My mother taught me irony ... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

~ My mother taught me about the science of osmosis ... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

~ My mother taught me about contortionism ... "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

~ My mother taught me about stamina ... "You'll sit there until all those peas are gone."

~ My mother taught me about weather ... "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

~ My mother taught me the circle of life ... "I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

~ My mother taught me about behavior modification ... "Stop acting like your father!"

~ My mother taught me about envy ... "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you."

~ My mother taught me about anticipation ... "Just wait until we get home."

~ My mother taught me about receiving ... "You are going to get it when you get home!"

~ My mother taught me ESP ... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

~ My mother taught me humor ... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

~ My mother taught me how to become an adult ... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grown up."

~ My mother taught me genetics ... "You're just like your father."

~ My mother taught me about my roots ... "Shut taht door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

~ My mother taught me wisdom ... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

~ My mother taught me about justice ... "One day you'll have kids an I hope they turn out just like you."